The Giving Tree

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life, where I've been and where I'm going. Trying to better myself and become the woman God knows I can become. In case you have somehow missed the news flash, I'm divorced, working full time and being a mom full time. It's A LOT! I have been trying to find the balance between all of that and somehow finding time to date and meet new people. For the most part I am having a lot of fun. I've done a lot of dating and met lots of really great people.

But, sometimes in the chaos that my life is I begin to feel a little lost. I'm always going here and there and doing this and that. Forget sleeping, that's an old forgotten past-time. No real time for me. I miss the gym. I haven't been to the gym in like a month. That used to be my "me" time. I'd lose myself in running. It clears my mind and recharges my spirit. I need that.

Through my marriage and, dare I say, the BIG "D" I learned a lot about myself and somethings I really need to change about myself. I went to marriage counseling for months (on my own) and did a lot of talking about myself and how I was raised and how I deal with life's challenges and how I function as a person now that I am an adult. I learned that sometimes..okay, most the time, I give to much of myself. I lose myself in my relationships. I am very co-dependent. I am very "motherly". Doesn't sound like a problem, right? Well it is when you are allowing yourself to be walked on. Have you ever read the children's book "The Giving Tree" (Good book!)? Well, I often find myself just a stump in the ground.

I recognize this was a problem in my marriage. I enabled him by giving to much. I promised myself that I would never do that again. But now, as I have done some dating I see myself doing that again. Give. Give. Give. Please. Please. Please.Who would have ever thought "giving" and trying to "please" others could be such a bad thing?

I am seeing that although I feel I have learned I need to not let myself get "lost", so to speak, and give to much, I haven't learned how to stop from doing it. How do you learn something like that? It's who I am. A "giver". A "people-pleaser".

I don't know why I am posting this. I don't really ever post personal things. I guess it doesn't really matter. Probably Stacy will be the only person to read it anyway. I guess I just feel like I am still struggling with a few things. And, honestly, I am scared to death of getting married again. (not that that's happening anytime soon.) What if I haven't learned the things I needed to? What if I find myself in another abusive situation? What if it doesn't work? What if I will never be with someone who wants to serve me as I serve them? What if I am miserable like before? What if...what if... what if...? I often times try to imagine what it would be like to be in a happy well balanced marriage...I cant even imagine...but I know this alleged "happy-marriage" must exist. I see so many of my friends and family happily married, even through their trials that I know no marriage is without. But will I ever have that? What would that be like?

I guess sometimes I wonder if maybe I would just be better off alone. I've got Ryder. What else do I need?

Kay, anyway, I'm totally rambling. Starting today I am making a more conscious effort to stand up for myself. To not be such a push over. To not sacrifice myself for people that are so undeserving. I have to. After all, I am more than just a stump in the ground. I have to for me and I have to for Ryder. I need to be the example of strength in Ryders life. I cant control what his dad does so I know Ryder is counting on ME to provide a great example for him. I need to be the strong person I hope Ryder will someday become. Such an overwhelming thought...

Birthday Party Fantasticalness

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We celebrated Ryder turning the big T-W-O last Saturday with a Lightning McQueen party. It was a ton of fun! We BBQ'd at Livermore Park in Folsom. It is number 1 on my list of super-dupper-fabulous-parks in the Sacramento area. It has BBQ/picnic areas galore, play grounds made up of all kids dreams, tons-o-grass, sand volleyball areas, and the thing that makes this park the most fantastic, the waterfall play area.

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"Uncle" Marc was kind enough to man the BBQ for me. He grilled up some awesome (as always) tri-tip, my mom brought potato salad (her specialty), Denises brought fruit salad (so good! It even had kiwi- I LOVE kiwi!), then of course we had chips and drinks.

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Lots of Ryders friends (and of course my friends) and family came out to celebrate with Ryder.

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Getting ready to light the candle...

Ryders "Cars" cake was vanilla cake with a custard center...mmm

I think it's safe to say that Ryder LOVED it!

...And so did Tana!

Chillin'

My Favorite picture of Ryder... this really captured how excited

he was to open the presents and find a new toy!

Rippin'em open!

My brother Bryan and his cute new girlfriend, Kat.

Water fun!

I think hands-down my favorite moment of the party was when Ryder was all excited opening present after present when finally he opened up a gift bag from Auntie Kimmi to find a new shirt and shorts. Ryder looked in the bag, paused for a second, then without pulling anything out shook his head back and forth disgusted and said "no-no!" It was pretty funny! (It was a "socks" moment for those of you who love A Christmas Story as much as I do.)

We all had so much fun! Thanks so much for everyone who came to celebrate this special day with Ryder and me. We are truly blessed to have such wonderful friends!

**KISSES**

Happy Birthday Ry-baby!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BABY IS TWO!!!

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Over the past two years Ryder has grown right before my blue eyes! It's hard to believe that two years ago today I laid eyes on my little Ry-baby for the first time.

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Ryders in bed now for the night, as he is every night around 7ish, and I am enjoying this quite time to reflect over his life. I truly have enjoyed every moment of being Ryders mom. The up's the down's, the singing songs, the poopy diapers, the bed-time stories, throwing up, bath time, trips to the park, and the swimming pool, Halloween costumes, Christmas mornings...all of it! Ryders birth was a very...very....very....VERY long birth (that part I didn't enjoy)! I labored for a total of 56 hours, no that's not a typo, 56 hours, before ending up with a C-Section. Ryder entered this world August 18th 2006 a very healthy 10 pounds 7 oz. (again, not a typo). Since that time I have enjoyed watching Ryder and learning about the person he is.

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He has a very sweet, kind, patient spirit. He is rarely upset. Even as a new born he didn't cry often. He slept through the night starting at 3 days old. He has always been a very smiley baby. He loves to laugh. I could not have asked for a more perfect little boy.

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Today, for Ryders birthday, his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and a few friends called to wish him a Happy Birthday. Each time he was asked "How old are you?" Ryder would respond with a very confident, "I'm 5!". (I always knew he was wise beyond his years!) We all got a good laugh out of the adorable-ness of that each time he said it.

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I have this unspoken rule that on your birthday you are "king" (or queen) for the day and get whatever you want. So, Ryder lived it up today eating cookies and ice cream and watching his favorite movie "Kachow", aka Disney Pixar's "Cars".

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Ryder is the joy of my life. I so desperately want to be the very best mom for him. I always want him to know how much I love him. I want to teach him right from wrong and show him through my example to live the gospel everyday. I want him to be selfless and humble. I want him to be strong and hard working and to know that nothing in this life comes with out hard work. I want him to be able to see his own weaknesses, to be kind to all those around him. I want him to be secure with himself. I want him to know it is okay to make mistakes, but when you do you must get up, wipe the dust off, learn from it and grow stronger. I want him to someday be a great husband and father for his own family.

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I have been trusted with such a great responsibility to care for and teach this son of God. Sometimes knowing that I have been left to do it on my own is a thought that is hard to bare. But in that same thought I am reminded that I am not alone. Not only do I have the love and guidance of a very loving Heavenly Father but He has also surrounded me with many wonderful friends and family who help tremendously. For that I am forever grateful.

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There is a song by Sara Evens called "You'll Always Be My Baby". I LOVE this song. It is truly the kind of mother I hope to be for Ryder. Listen to the song when you have the chance, but here is the last verse:

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There he is, my little man

I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then

And I pray to God, that when he does

I'll be just as understanding as my Father was

Cause the last thing I wanna do is let him down

So instead of being angry

I'm gunna throw my arms around him and I'll say

In the sunlight or the rain

Brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way

Whatever road you may be on,

Know, you're never too far gone,

My love is there wherever you may be

Just remember that you'll always be my baby.

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Happy Birthday Ryder. Know, that I love you, and you will ALWAYS be my baby!

Finding Strength Within

My dear friend recently started the most beautiful inspiring blog. My friend is one of the warmest most beautiful girls I know who truly has so much love for our Father in Heaven. Check out her inspiring new blog at

http://findingstrengthwithin.blogspot.com/

Hope you all love it as much as I do!

Kayaking with 2 Kims and a Sean

I have made some really great friends in the past couple months, to name three, Kim, Kim and Sean. No, that's not a typo, they are both named Kim. Last week after work Ryder and I met up with "the Kims" and Sean for some kayaking fun on Lake Natoma. We kayaked, okay, I kayaked with Ryder and one of the "Kim's" son, Tyler, and then Sean and the Kim's swam out to a little island where we swam and ate way too much junk food. On the way back to shore Tyler, Ryder and I sat in the kayak feeding the ducks when suddenly Sean dives under water and grabs one of the ducks by the legs. It created quite the ruckus amongst the ducks at Lake Natoma that day and made all of us die laughing. Sean is crazy fun!

Here's a pic from our evening.

a little rant

okay, so here is my complaints about new jersey and some (or most part) of the east coast. I know this is far away from my normal, yay check out what im doing posts, but i at least need to forewarn the west coasters or help em appreciate some of the stuff out there. #1. Cash back from gas stations, convience stores, etc... there is NO place that does it! Grocery stores, yes? but if I stop to get gas, I can't get cash back if I make a purchase! Its stupid! Sure the store has an ATM but they charge ya 2 bucks plus whatever your bank charges... dumb. Well to go along with that, you need cash for EVERYTHING! there are some places that take Visa, but really is not every where you want to be.

Tolls. Sure the west coast has 1 or 2... ya know like across the golden gate (i think its 4 bucks, right?) and mabe a few other bridges in the bay area. Out here? you can't walk outside your house without paying a toll! seriously. Doesn't matter if your going a block or across the state, its gonna cost ya! It's 8 flippin bucks to go into NYC with your car. If your even think about parking... its going to be another 20 an hour at least. haha.

Public transportation... surprisingly its not too bad, but thats aside from the heat in the subways, the terrible smell, the amount of rats you can count while waiting for your train and that it smells... did I mention that? Aside from that, it does okay to get you where you want to go. At least in the NYC area. Over on my side in NJ, I haven't looked into the buses because they don't seem like they would be effective. Anyways. End rant.

It's cool living out here and seeing all the cool/interesting things around the town, but certainly my heart lies in cali. I love the weather, the surf/snow in n out, and many other wonderful things that most people know that I enjoy out there. Sorry for no new pics on this post. I'll work on picking up a few good ones as I'm out and about!

Good Parenting Skills...

I'm sorry to those of you this may offend... okay, I'm not. This was too funny not to post. (And, no, that's not Ryder, just some random kid from a random e-mail that got forwarded to me.)

The many faces of RYDER

Lately Ryder has had some of the funniest little facial expressions. He very much "talks with his face" if that makes any sense at all. I think it's pretty much the cutest thing in the world. And, I realize that one of two things is going to happen, either a: he will completely grow out of it and talk like a normal person or b: he wont grow out of, he'll always make these weird (but cute) facial expressions but he'll be like 50 and people will think he's creepy. Either way it makes me sad because I so love how perfect his little face is in my eyes right now.

So, the other day my cousin Sharon invited Ryder over to play with her girls Melissa and Kara for the day. (I was at work...boo) We LOVE Melissa and Kara! Ryder always has such a great time with them. They swam in the pool all day. Ryder had a blast. Ryder especially loved playing with Robbie, Sharon's son. I think Ryder liked having a big boy to look up to. (He's been walking around asking for Robbie ever since)

Anyway, Melissa got some good pictures from their fun day. And, she got some really great pictures of his silly little facial expressions.

Thanks so much Missy! We love you!

The "I'm so stinkin' cute" face
The "I'm not going to smile, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!" face
The "I'm eating cheese, back off" face

The "I'm agreeing, but I dont really know why" face
The "I'm such a sweet angel (or so you think)"face.Ryder was throwing these little toys in the water calling them "sharks".

Ryder and Miss Kara

Ryder and Melissa

He's part boy, part dog... apparently.

Sailin' away (all the way to the deep end) with Kara.

The Many Faces of RYDER