I have been thinking a lot lately about my life, where I've been and where I'm going. Trying to better myself and become the woman God knows I can become. In case you have somehow missed the news flash, I'm divorced, working full time and being a mom full time. It's A LOT! I have been trying to find the balance between all of that and somehow finding time to date and meet new people. For the most part I am having a lot of fun. I've done a lot of dating and met lots of really great people.But, sometimes in the chaos that my life is I begin to feel a little lost. I'm always going here and there and doing this and that. Forget sleeping, that's an old forgotten past-time. No real time for me. I miss the gym. I haven't been to the gym in like a month. That used to be my "me" time. I'd lose myself in running. It clears my mind and recharges my spirit. I need that.
Through my marriage and, dare I say, the BIG "D" I learned a lot about myself and somethings I really need to change about myself. I went to marriage counseling for months (on my own) and did a lot of talking about myself and how I was raised and how I deal with life's challenges and how I function as a person now that I am an adult. I learned that sometimes..okay, most the time, I give to much of myself. I lose myself in my relationships. I am very co-dependent. I am very "motherly". Doesn't sound like a problem, right? Well it is when you are allowing yourself to be walked on. Have you ever read the children's book "The Giving Tree" (Good book!)? Well, I often find myself just a stump in the ground.
I recognize this was a problem in my marriage. I enabled him by giving to much. I promised myself that I would never do that again. But now, as I have done some dating I see myself doing that again. Give. Give. Give. Please. Please. Please.Who would have ever thought "giving" and trying to "please" others could be such a bad thing?
I am seeing that although I feel I have learned I need to not let myself get "lost", so to speak, and give to much, I haven't learned how to stop from doing it. How do you learn something like that? It's who I am. A "giver". A "people-pleaser".
I don't know why I am posting this. I don't really ever post personal things. I guess it doesn't really matter. Probably Stacy will be the only person to read it anyway. I guess I just feel like I am still struggling with a few things. And, honestly, I am scared to death of getting married again. (not that that's happening anytime soon.) What if I haven't learned the things I needed to? What if I find myself in another abusive situation? What if it doesn't work? What if I will never be with someone who wants to serve me as I serve them? What if I am miserable like before? What if...what if... what if...? I often times try to imagine what it would be like to be in a happy well balanced marriage...I cant even imagine...but I know this alleged "happy-marriage" must exist. I see so many of my friends and family happily married, even through their trials that I know no marriage is without. But will I ever have that? What would that be like?
I guess sometimes I wonder if maybe I would just be better off alone. I've got Ryder. What else do I need?
Kay, anyway, I'm totally rambling. Starting today I am making a more conscious effort to stand up for myself. To not be such a push over. To not sacrifice myself for people that are so undeserving. I have to. After all, I am more than just a stump in the ground. I have to for me and I have to for Ryder. I need to be the example of strength in Ryders life. I cant control what his dad does so I know Ryder is counting on ME to provide a great example for him. I need to be the strong person I hope Ryder will someday become. Such an overwhelming thought...
Sara-I love you! First off, you know that I have totally been "that girl" the one who goes, does, and gives until it hurts only to get nothing in return. Before I met Preston I was right where you are know, having that epiphany of self discovery that I needed to stop giving all the time-that it is alright to expect a certain amount from the people that you love! Once I embrace the new me, the me who felt empowered to expect and to a certain point demand a level of give and take that I was comfortable with, everything changed! Embrace this wonderful time in your life to find a man who is a true support to you! Ryder is lucky to have a Mommy who is so in tune with the things that are truly important in life! Love you girl!
ReplyDeleteSara- I thought you were there on luke and I's first date. Now I totally remember, I know it's pretty crazy to think back, and remember some of the good old days. You just be yourself, and now you know what you don't want in a man, now you can think about what you do want and go for it. Don't be so hard on yourself you are a full time mom with a full time job what man wouldn't be lucky to have you for eternity. You are so beautiful and your little ryder is adorable. It was good to see you too at Bev's wedding. Sharsten
ReplyDeleteSara, I read all your posts! Please call me if you need anything, I love you girl! You have plenty of friends who are ready to be there if you even need anything! You will find someone so wonderful becasue you are such a wonderful person, keep smiling! We should hang out this weekend, call me!
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I wish I had some great and wonderful thing to say. Everyone else that has posted has had some awesome insight or something. All I can say is it's not a bad thing to be willing to serve someone, but I see how you feel. It's hard when there is no one to serve you back. A give and take relationship is the best thing to have. You are an amazing example to Ryder of the kind of woman that he wants to marry some day (even though he may not know it yet). I know that one day you will find someone to be the perfect example to Ryder of the type of husband and Dad that he wants to be someday. You will find someone that will show Ryder how he should treat his wife and his children and that is worth waiting for. Just have fun and be yourself, doing that alone will attract the perfect man for you and Ryder. :) (And you thought only one person would read your post, we all sure fooled you! :))
ReplyDeleteWell, I KNOW you're amazing! I think you're a great person who is so smart and sweet. Life is great when you can be in tune enough to realize your weaknesses. It's great because you can improve your life and be your very best self. You are progressing at such a fast pace.....I'm so proud of you Sara!
ReplyDeleteSara ~ You are GREAT! You have figured out the hardest part. Now that you know that you give give give, make sure you find the same thing in your mate!! I know the right guy is out there, he is thinking the same thing this second about how he gives so much and never gets anything in return! This is my advise... be selfish, make the guyes you date give to you before you give of yourself. Once you are able to recognize that he has the qualities you want let him know you want to be with him by giving back! This is YOUR life and YOUR time! Expect nothing less! And remember I'll let you know what I think of your "boy toys" ~ Don't worry, I'll help you get rid of the losers! ALL MY LOVE! ~
ReplyDeleteOkay, I feel like the loser of the day! The only one you thought who would read it, and I'm a day late, and behind six amazing other friends of yours! :) My dang blog is so slow on updating the times that people update.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...Sara...you are one of my hero's. Truly. I can't even imagine having gone through the things that you have gone through, and I know everything in detail. And I STILL can't imagine it. You ARE one of the most giving people I've met, and that's okay. I have that in my personality as well. But, there has to be a balance. ESPECIALLY in marriage and dating relationships. I'd like to hope I have a "happy and healthy marriage", but sometimes, we switch off on who's giving, and sometimes I feel that way too and sometimes Marc feels that way. It's really hard to find a balance, so don't get down on yourself for still feeling that. You are trying to learn that one person short!
As other people have said, any man would be lucky to have you. You just have to make sure that he sees and understands that, or he's not worth your time.
We were talking the other day about how everything is a lesson learned and how we are meant to go through the things that we go through so that we can appreciate the blessings that we have. I promise you, that you will be blessed for these trials. I have a complete testimony of Heavenly Fathers awareness of each and every one of us. He knows that your desires are righteous, and he has your eternal companion out there for you. He's just prepping him to be good enough to deserve you.
You have the complete right motives about you. To better yourself...always, because we will never be perfect. We will never be done progressing, learning and becoming better. This post is a breakthrough that maybe you need; to acknowledge that this is something that you will be working on and moving toward. To be the giving, loving person that you are...but to have more respect for yourself to stand up and protect your desires and needs.
I don't think its too personal to post, but then again, I wouldn't. I basically put my whole life on my blogs for the world to read. It's good therapy, and, look, you have a ton of love and support and great advice from so many people that love you.
I love you...and Ryder is SO incredibly lucky that he has you as his momma.
Sara, I couldn't imagine the things you have gone through. There is one thing I can relate too though. I am a people pleaser. Yes, you have to learn to not be that way all the time However there are some men out there that will not want to take advantage of that and will encourage you to be your own person and do things for your self. I am lucky enough to have found that in Dave. I know there is someone out there for you who will build you up and give you the nurturing that you are so willing to give. Hang in there Sara, honestly.... and I know everyone says this. But this is exactly how it happened for me. When you are not looking for it (a good guy) it will happen. I would even say be a little selfish at this point in your life. Do the things that make you you and don't worry too much about dating or marriage for a little while. It might even give you a little bit of a refreshed feeling and you might be less apt to be a people pleaser. Like I said before I am a total people pleaser....however there is someone for everyone, and that someone will want to be everything to you, as you want to be for him.
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