Living, Laughing, Learning

I realize my blog has been a bit BORING lately. Not many pictures, not many entertaining things to say. A bit of a bore. I'm boring myself just thinking about it.

I guess lately I have been struck by a bit of a despondency. Not sure why. When I think about it everything is great. Ryder couldn't be more fun, work couldn't be better, I've been selling like crazy, but still there is an underlying sadness that I am not so use to.

I think that maybe I have been focusing too much lately on what I think my life should look like right now rather than being grateful for what it is.

What I want: the picture perfect little LDS family. Daddy goes to work. Mommy (me!) stays home and raises the children. A warm home full of love and the spirit of God that I have time to fix up to my liking and keep spotlessly clean. Rushing from soccer practice to little league then ballet. Family home evening on Monday nights. Dinner at the table as a family every evening... Oh if only I could live like June Cleaver.

Last week my older brother Devon, who I adore and look up to in every way, and his family were here from Tennessee. I had a lot of time off last week to enjoy with them. Ryder had a blast playing with Devons girls all week. So when this week rolled around and it was time to get back to reality I was back to my daily morning rush to get Ryder and myself looking presentable and out the door. Devree, Devons 4 year old daughter, was a bit taken back by this. She didn't understand why Ryder and I had to get up and rush out the door in the morning.

Devree asked, "Where are you going with Ryder?"

I responded, "I have to go to work so Ryder has to go to daycare."

Devree, "Why do you have to go to work?"

Me, "Because I have to make money."

Devree, "Why doesn't Ryders daddy make the money?"

Me (laughing to myself, unsure of how to answer the question to a 4 year old), "Good question Devree."

Devree: "My daddy makes our money."

Me: "I know Devree, you have a very good daddy!"

Her question made me laugh. I love how honest kids are. Her question kind of summed up to me the frustration I have been having. It's not as a single woman, it's not that I don't love my job, it's not that I mind so much being alone (aka husband-less, because actually, I am having a lot of fun right now), but rather I miss getting to be a mom.

I feel like I am missing the best years of my sons life. That is sad. This is not how I pictured my life. I just want to be a mom.

But what I am realizing is that as a mother sometimes we have to do things we don't like. Sometimes we have to take on more than our fair share of the work and the stress and the pain. Sometimes we have to be strong and stand up and fight for our children even when we want nothing more than to roll up into a ball and cry. Sometimes we have to be the provider, sometimes we have to be the homemaker, sometimes we have to be both.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I feel that even with the frustration that I feel with my situation I am unbelievably grateful. Grateful to be learning some very important life lessons at this time. Grateful for a beautiful, vibrant little boy who brings so much joy to my life. Grateful to be alive and healthy and able to work to provide for my son. Grateful for a wonderful supportive family who has given me much. Being a single parent is a very humbling experience, and for that I am grateful.

This life is full of opportunities. This life is a time for learning, growing, progressing. It's why we are here. This life is what you make it. We all have trails. Not one of us is without them. That we can not change. But what we can change is how we deal with those trials. Do we do it full speed focusing on the positive, or do we mope and complain the whole way? That's our choice.

Choose to be happy. Choose to want what you have and not long for what you don't. Choose to see the light through the fog. Choose to know that there is always color on the next page. These are the trials and lessons of my late 20's for which I am so grateful to be learning.

I know that as I get older my life will change. More blessings will come and so will the trials. I KNOW that the things I face now will make me the strong daughter of God I need to be to face the trials of my future. What a blessing!

So take that June Cleaver! Turns out she doesnt hold a candle to me! ;)